6 February 2025 │ Advice

Anonymous asks: How can I move on from the past, specifically from old friends that I had a special connection with?

Friends hold a significant place in our hearts, going beyond mere companionship. When we look back on how our friendships have started, all of our different friendships have one thing in common—a connection. These bonds might spark from a simple greeting or emerge from the most unexpected situations.

There are multiple reasons for why we may consider someone our friend, yet equally, there are reasons that lead us to recognize when a friendship may need to end. Making such a big decision can weigh heavy on us.
On many occasions, we can feel the connection fade over time, and when we finally decide to let go, it can feel like a bittersweet realization that we’ve been slowly preparing for.

Why do Friendships Come to an End?

The main reason is that, as time goes by, we all grow and change. And that is a good thing. It’s a natural part of our journey to evolve. Sometimes we find ourselves outgrowing relationships, or perhaps the other person changes in ways that make it hard for us to connect. It’s essential to surround ourselves with individuals who uplift us—those who inspire, support, and nurture our growth.

Allowing those who may hold us back into our personal space can be quite challenging. Whether a friendship has faded because conversations became superficial, support was lacking, trust was broken, or simply because we transformed into different people, what truly matters is that these connections no longer benefit our lives. While it can be incredibly difficult to make the choice to distance ourselves from someone, this decision ultimately revolves around one vital question: Is staying in an uncomfortable situation more damaging than the act of letting go?

The Aftermath

When we find ourselves in difficult situations, it is important to gently ask ourselves: What can I do to make this better?
Take a moment to reflect on the actions you can take to navigate through your struggles, and embrace those as tools to help you move forward.
At the same time, acknowledge the aspects of your situation that are beyond your control; recognize them and give yourself permission to let them go, allowing space for healing and growth.

1. Acceptance

It sounds so simple, and yet we struggle to get past it. We find ourselves ruminating over cherished memories, mourning a past connection that doesn’t exist anymore.

There’s a longing for individuals who are no longer part of our lives, a nostalgia for someone who has changed beyond recognition and is, in a sense, a stranger to us. We miss someone who doesn’t exist anymore, a version of themselves buried somewhere deep, long forgotten. It’s important to remind ourselves that the person we once knew at the beginning of our journey and the one we chose to let go of are like two separate individuals.

Take a moment to reflect on the reasons that contributed to the friendship’s demise. Writing them down can help. This practice will help you stay grounded in reality and gently guide you through the process of letting go of past illusions.

2. Give Yourself Time to Grieve the Loss of the Friendship

Losing a friendship can be a painful experience, leaving us to deal with a mix of complex emotions. It is important to give ourselves the space to grieve this loss. Embracing these feelings, no matter how heavy they may feel, can help us heal and move on. They help us understand that it’s okay to mourn what was. Recognize the importance of the person in your life, honor the loss, cry, and collect your support system.

We learn from this pain that life isn’t always fair and it doesn’t always make sense. We cannot control the actions of other people and don’t have the power to control every aspect of our lives. One of the most difficult aspects of grieving a friendship is acknowledging that we deserve better and that it is time to open ourselves to better experiences and new, meaningful connections.

Remember that one individual’s rejection of you does not take away your worth or the capacity of you being loved. Do not rush to jump the train wagon of the question “why,” but rather save the understanding of this question for later, when you are able to think clearly and rationalize.

3. Watch Out for Negative Narratives

We often find ourselves drawn to idealize or devalue a relationship.

For instance, you might feel inclined to say that someone wasn’t a true friend, thinking that a real friend wouldn’t behave in that manner. You might believe that you don’t owe anything to that person because you perceive them as “toxic” or “fake”. By overgeneralizing, you deprive yourself of the ability to have an honest relationship with yourself and limit your own growth capabilities.

A healthier approach would be shifting to both/and language. For example, I both loved and cared about this person, and they also caused me pain.

4. Journaling

Writing our thoughts down has been proven to be beneficial in many ways. It allows us to release what’s spiraling in our minds and see our feelings from a point of understanding, almost as if we’re gentle readers of our own experiences. That simple act of pen meeting paper can be a heartfelt first step towards opening up and embracing our emotions.

5. Confide in Someone You Trust

Take comfort in someone who can support you through this hard time. Sometimes all we need is a nice cup of coffee or a glass of wine and a genuine conversation. Remembering how lucky we are to have people who love and support us through thick and thin is vital.

6. Let Go

It is essential to know when to let go. You should take your time to grieve the end of a friendship, but be careful not to dwell on it and lose yourself in these feelings. Gently set aside reminders, pictures, messages, and gifts, and remember that healing takes patience and time.

7. Reflect

We can become quite tempted to direct blame at the other person when a friendship ends. It is important to take some time to reflect on the friendship. We should consider the signs that may have indicated someone was drifting away from us. Were there unresolved issues we might have overlooked, and did we make genuine attempts to address them? If their actions made us uncomfortable, how did we respond? Did we establish and adhere to our boundaries while also honoring theirs? Was our communication open and effective?

Reflecting on our actions with kindness towards ourselves and others can lead to personal growth, making it easier to deal with future challenges and nurture lasting friendships. When we create a narrative that casts the other person as the villain and ourselves as innocent victims, we miss the opportunity to understand the full context of what transpired, therefore robbing ourselves of the opportunity to learn and grow from our past.

8. Meet New People

The end of one journey is usually the beginning of another. Just because we lost a valuable connection with someone doesn’t mean that we won’t ever meet other people we will connect with and care about.

9. Seek professional help

Sometimes emotions can get the best of us and throw us out of track. If they become overwhelming and we find ourselves struggling and looking for additional help, there is no shame in seeking a professional.